sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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