I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Randomize
