So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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