i would punch a child for taco bell
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
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