Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
Randomize
