remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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