Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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