just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
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