In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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