Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Randomize
