I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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