I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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