how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
