TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
We're too hungover to prance.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
