When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Randomize
