I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
