i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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