This is not my ceiling
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I supernannyed him into submission
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize
