man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
