the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I just googled if crying burns calories
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
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