Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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