he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Randomize
