finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize
