I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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