I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
