You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Randomize
