i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Randomize
