I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
