that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Randomize
