Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
