my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
