in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
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