i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Randomize
