Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
