I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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