Having a random hookup so left but love u
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Randomize
