Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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