I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
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