Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
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