Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
