just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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