smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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