yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
