i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Randomize
