hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
