Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize
