I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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