She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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