Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
