He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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